


The Myth of the Perfect House

by Brumeier



Series: As Seen On TV [3]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Established Relationship, House Hunting, M/M, Post Episode: s05e20 Enemy at the Gate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-08 19:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14700477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brumeier/pseuds/Brumeier
Summary: Five times it was the wrong house and one time it wasn’t. AKA John and Rodney go house hunting, which goes about as well as you'd expect.





	The Myth of the Perfect House

**Author's Note:**

> TV fusion: House Hunters
> 
> Written for Whatif_au: Movie/TV Fusions

**The Mediterranean/Mission**

“I specifically requested an ocean view,” Rodney said. “What about ‘seaside home’ did you not understand?”

Shelly’s lips pursed and her eyes narrowed, an expression John was coming to recognize meant the Realtor was probably plotting Rodney’s untimely demise.

“As I said, the trail behind the house leads up to the bluffs and the view is spectacular.”

“I didn’t ask for a house with a _trail_. If I wanted to hike, I’d go off –”

“Let’s just take a look inside, McKay,” John said, interrupting. He prodded Rodney toward the front door.

“I hope it’s better than the outside. This place can’t decide if it’s Mediterranean or Mission.”

John had to agree that the exterior of the house was an odd mix of stucco, stone, and terra cotta roof tiles. But if the inside was in good shape the lack of an ocean view might not be a deal breaker. 

“This is puny,” Rodney said when they walked in. “What’s the square footage?”

“Nine hundred and seventy-two square feet.”

There was a fireplace in the living room but the kitchen looked like it hadn’t been updated since the mid-seventies.

“These are vintage appliances,” Shelly said, standing next to the avocado-colored refrigerator.

John tapped the wall. “Is this Norman Rockwell wallpaper?”

“The entire kitchen would have to be gutted,” Rodney said. “Formica countertops? Really? I don’t want to have to buy a house and then dump a ton of money behind that for renovations.”

John agreed with the logic, but there was part of him that thought it might be fun to buy some tools and do some tinkering. He wasn’t a carpenter by any means, but he was sure he could handle a few easy projects. 

The single bedroom was a real problem for him, though. John wanted a house with more space, so Jeannie, Kaleb and Madison could visit and stay with them, and they could entertain their friends.

“This place is totally unacceptable,” Rodney said after they’d finished the walk-through. “We need a garage, first of all, and more bedrooms. And an actual view of the actual ocean.”

“I’ll be in touch,” Shelly said curtly. She ushered them out and locked the house up.

“You should be nicer to her,” John said as they watched Shelly drive off. 

“She’ll work harder to find what I want so she can stop dealing with me,” Rodney replied. “And she needs to listen better, I was very clear about the view.”

“We don’t –”

“We do.” Rodney stalked off to the car.

**The Ranch**

“Ugly.”

“It’s just paint,” John said. “That’s easy to fix.”

It was a ranch house – painted puke green – with a front porch and an attached garage that had room for Rodney’s Tesla and John’s Harley. There was a nice deck off the back, and the landscaping was natural and wild.

“And there’s an ocean view,” Shelly pointed out.

Which was technically true. There was a street and a row of houses between them and the ocean, but they could still see a sliver of it. Before Rodney could launch into a diatribe Shelly moved them inside.

The extra bedrooms were nice, but small, and all the closets had mirrored doors. Although, the longer John contemplated that for the master bedroom the more he kind of liked it. For purely deviant reasons, of course.

“There’s too much carpet.” Rodney scowled down at the thick pile under his feet. “You know what lives in carpet? Everything. It’s disgusting.”

“Easily fixed,” Shelly said. All of her so-called easy fixes had substantial price tags attached, unlike John’s. In the case of the carpet, there was no telling what was underneath. Subfloor? Hardwood? “Isn’t this a great master bath, though?”

“Jet tub is the only good thing about it,” Rodney said. “Where’s all the storage?”

“We could replace the pedestal sink with a vanity,” John suggested. “Or build some shelves.”

“We? Since when are you handy with tools?”

“I know how to use tools, McKay.” John tried not to feel offended. He often downplayed his strengths, which was good in some situations and not in others. He still remembered how shocked Rodney had been when he found out John had passed the Mensa test.

“Huh. Okay.” Rodney reached over and squeezed John’s hand, his way of apologizing, and moved on to the kitchen, which was at the back of the house. “Gas or electric?”

John looked at the electric stove in the very bland but functional kitchen. “Doesn’t matter. You know I’m not much of a cook. Seems kind of small, though.”

“There’s a charming fireplace,” Shelly said as they entered the living room. 

“They converted it to gas? Idiots.” Rodney dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “This house won’t work either.” 

Shelly looked like she was trying very hard to maintain her calm, cool Realtor demeanor. “Dr. McKay, you’re going to have to compromise, especially in your price range.”

“You’re a Realtor. Find something.”

Rodney walked out, and John shot an apologetic look at Shelly before following.

“Maybe we should look at the budget again,” he suggested when he caught up to Rodney. “It’s not like we don’t have the money.”

The SGC paid well, and there wasn’t any need for Earth money in Pegasus so their paychecks had sat around in the bank accruing interest. Between them they could’ve purchased a house outright, paid in cash even. But Rodney was supposed to be a scientist who’d been off the grid – and unpublished – for five years and John was fresh out of the military, so they couldn’t just throw money around and draw undue attention to themselves.

“The budget we worked out is fine. She just needs to put in the time to find the perfect house.”

John was starting to feel like the perfect house was a myth.

**The Beach Cottage**

John immediately liked the beach cottage, even though it wasn’t all that much closer to the actual beach. It had a wide front porch with Adirondack chairs that he could easily see himself and Rodney relaxing in at the end of the day. It was painted a nice seaside blue with white trim.

“It’s only a one car garage,” Shelly said. “But it should be big enough to also fit John’s motorcycle.”

That wasn’t such a big concern for him. Inside, though, he found a lot of problems. There were signs of water damage on some of the ceilings, the bathrooms were seriously out of date, and a flickering light in the kitchen might’ve been as simple as a bad bulb or as complicated as bad wiring.

“I don’t like it,” Rodney said. “John?”

“It would need a lot of work. Some of these things, like the water damage, could be bad pipes or a bad roof. Either way we’re looking at a lot of money.”

“And a long wait before we could move in.” Rodney studied the discolored section of the ceiling.

Shelly tried to intervene. “I’m sure we could negotiate the asking price down, which would give you more money to deal with repairs and renovations. Despite the issues, this is a good house.”

“Well, I do like the screened porch,” John conceded. “And the kitchen is nice and big.”

Rodney shook his head. “We’re not settling. This house could be end up being a money pit and I don’t have the patience to deal with it.”

John couldn’t argue with that. Buying a house was supposed to be a positive experience for the both of them, but especially for Rodney; he needed a real home, a sanctuary from the stress of work.

“We’ll keep looking,” John said. He wrapped an arm around Rodney’s waist. “We’ll find the right place.”

“Maybe.” Rodney didn’t sound very optimistic, but he leaned into John’s touch and that was good enough.

**The Victorian Cottage**

John had to give Shelly credit. The next house she showed them was a Victorian-styled cottage that had great curb appeal and a much better view. His only real concern was that it was too big for them. Did they really need three thousand square feet?

“I’ve never seen so much driftwood in one place,” Rodney said. “The current owners have deplorable taste in decorating. It looks like tourist dive in here.”

“They’ll be taking that with them, so try to look beyond the superficial and focus on the size and layout. The bones of the house are very strong, and it’s recently been updated.”

It was hard to look beyond all the white-washing, pastel colors, and beach-themed _everything_ in the house, though. John figured they’d have to repaint every room. As it was, he felt like he was standing in the middle of a faded photograph.

“It has a nice, open concept with good flow from the living area to the kitchen,” Shelly said. “And there’s a small room next to the master suite that could be used as an office.”

At the current moment, the extra room was being used as some sort of seashell museum. These were some hardcore beachcombers.

The master bedroom was nice. Lots of closet space and a soaking tub in addition to a shower. Upstairs were three more bedrooms, two full bathrooms, and a loft space that Shelly suggested might be a good gaming area.

“The bedrooms are small,” Rodney said.

“There’s no carpeting,” Shelly countered.

“The beach is across the street.”

“But you can clearly see it from the front of the house.”

“It’s too expensive.”

Shelly sighed. “Yes, it’s at the high end of your budget. But the property is a steal, Dr. McKay.”

She was right, but it was obvious Rodney wasn’t happy with it. John thought it was okay, but he stuck with his original assessment.

“It’s too big for us,” he said.

Rodney shot him a grateful look. “Yes, much too big. We’re only two people, after all. How much space do two people need? I’d have to hire someone just to clean the bathrooms. We’re not in the market for a resort property, you know.”

“This is hardly a resort property,” Shelly protested, but John could tell she’d already given up. “So you want something absolutely turn-key? No mini projects or renovations?”

“No. Despite John’s claims, I’d rather not have to resort to wielding tools before I can move in. And that includes paint brushes.”

John shook his head. “We’re gonna want to paint, McKay. Personalize the place at least a little. Painting is probably the easiest upgrade we can do.”

“Fine, fine. We’ll paint. If we find the right house.”

“The right house,” Shelly grumbled. “Sure.”

**The Dutch Colonial**

“This is a Dutch style Colonial,” Shelly said. “There’s a lot of outside space for entertaining, and it’s only seventeen hundred square feet.”

John liked that it had a front porch, and a second-floor deck over top of it. The house was still one street over from the beach, but the view would be pretty great from the second floor.

“It looks like the Amityville house,” Rodney said.

“No, it doesn’t,” John contradicted. Although now that Rodney said it, he could kind of see the similarity. It was the distinctive gambrel roof, maybe.

The house was a lot cozier than the last one they’d looked at. Just the master suite and an open kitchen-slash-living room area downstairs. Three bedrooms and a den on the second floor.

“As you can see, it’s move-in ready. The owners did a full renovation three years ago. All fixtures and appliances are new, the floors are laminate, and there’s central air.”

“Creepy,” Rodney stage whispered to John.

“It’s not creepy,” John replied. “It’s nice.”

There was no carpeting, except in the bedrooms. The countertops were quartz, the appliances smudge-proof stainless steel, and there was a little breakfast nook that John would never admit out loud was adorable. There was nothing wrong with the house as far as John could see.

“It’s not right,” Rodney insisted.

John threw his hands up. “What? What’s wrong with this one?”

“It doesn’t…The flow…I just…It just doesn’t feel right, okay? It’s doesn’t feel like us.”

Shelly looked between the two of them, lips pursed. “How am I supposed to know what that is?”

“He’ll know,” John said. He leaned over and kissed Rodney on his crooked, frowning mouth. 

**The Craftsman**

“This one looks nice,” Rodney said.

John agreed. It had a deep front porch and decent landscaping. Best of all it was on a little bluff that overlooked the ocean. Shelly pointed out a wooden stairway that led down to the beach. Rodney grumbled a little about the climb back up but John could tell he didn’t really mind.

“Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, and it comes in at just over two thousand square feet.”

“Let’s see how bad it is inside,” Rodney sighed.

But it wasn’t bad at all. The hardwood floors were original and in great shape, there were original built-ins everywhere, and all the major appliances had been updated. The communal spaces were large, there was a fireplace in the living room, and there was a big deck off the back that would great to put a barbecue grill on. There was even a bonus room on the second floor that could be made into an office or an additional bedroom or game room.

“There’s no carpet,” Rodney said.

“No signs of damage,” John added. “And the rooms are all a good size.”

“Plenty of storage.”

Shelly beamed at them. “I knew this would be the one! It’s the perfect home for starting a family.”

Rodney gave her a wide-eyed stare, but John just found himself mindlessly nodding. Because he’d thought about it, tried to picture the family he and Rodney could have in every house Shelly had shown them. Little tow-headed babies toddling around the yard, maybe playing with the family dog. There’d a cat, too, of course. Rodney loved cats. He always –

“John?”

He snapped out of his reverie and flushed when he saw the narrow-eyed, focused look Rodney was giving him.

“Sorry, what?”

“We’ll take it,” Rodney told Shelly. He grabbed hold of John’s arm. “Can I talk to you?”

John let himself be dragged off into the kitchen. “Wait, we’re buying the house? You mean you actually like this one?”

“You nodded. When she said that thing about starting a family, you nodded.”

“Is that an accusation?” John was embarrassed about getting caught out. He knew it was fanciful, knew Rodney didn’t really like kids.

“It’s a question and stop deflecting. You know how much that irritates me.”

“It’s nothing, okay? The house is great. We can have Madison over, and there’s plenty of space for our friends to come visit. You need a place you can relax, McKay, and this is a good one.”

“You’re an idiot, you know,” Rodney said fondly.

“Thanks?”

“I wanted the perfect house for _you_. And this one…I can tell how much you like it. You can hear the ocean every night, just like when we were…just like before.”

John’s throat was tight. He tugged Rodney in for a hug, wrapping his arms around those broad shoulders and holding on for dear life. He knew how lucky he was. With Atlantis pretty much a floating scrapyard out in the Arctic Circle, John could’ve been reassigned and Rodney sent back to Area 51 and that might’ve been the end of them. But Rodney had refused to let John go. They were both private citizens now, who still sometimes consulted with the SGC. 

John had lost his city, had lost Teyla and Ronon, but he still had Rodney.

“Just so you know,” Rodney murmured in his ear. “I’m not opposed to kids. As long as I have them with you. But no dog. I’m not spending my free time picking up dog shit.”

John laughed, hugging Rodney even tighter. “Noted.”

The perfect house might well be a myth, but John discovered that it was the person he shared it with that made it perfect. And there was no-one more perfect in two galaxies for John than Rodney.

**Author's Note:**

>  **AN:** This is what happens when you’re caught up on your shows and are looking for something mindless to watch, and Hulu gives you a helpful suggestion. I’ve been binge watching _House Hunters_ because I’ve always been fascinated with home plans and home design and getting to look at these places has been a lot of fun.
> 
> Some of the home buyers are super picky, though, and I thought it would be funny if Rodney was one of them. The other stuff just kind of happened. And on the show they have to choose from three houses, but this decided to be a five times plus one fic, so what can you do?


End file.
